The Journey

You may or may not have known this: we have been attempting to have another baby for some time now. The journey to becoming parents for a second time took us more than 3 years and we learned amazing things each and every year.

By the end of Year 1, we learned:

• This is a journey. We will not be like so many people we know who didn’t have to work for this. This would not be “easy”. A mountain climb. A struggle of mind, body and spirit.
• We don’t have to tell the world. We understood early on that all we needed were our closest family and friends to support us on this journey. This is very personal. Some are comfortable sharing it with almost anyone because they want to allow their story to perhaps help, connect, or teach others. I applaud their ability to be real. I can confidently say that having the support of fewer rather than more was the right approach for us.
• Remember to love what is in front of you. We may have had this needling for another child, but we couldn’t forget to give our all to the one we had first. I don’t know that Toby ever felt the struggle his parents were experiencing. We gave our “only” the priority which he deserved.

By the end of Year 2, we learned:

• We are together in this. This isn’t about what I want, but what we want. is not about what God placed as a hope on my heart, but our hearts. This lesson needed reoccurring reminders throughout the years.
• Infertility clinics were not for us. We had the referral paperwork in hand. Yet we never visited a clinic. We know this has been a successful choice for lots of parents and is encouraged by doctors. Let me say this sensitively; it just wasn’t what God wanted for our family specifically. I didn’t know this at first, but because “we were in this together” we each had the power of VETO. Rob wasn’t comfortable with the referrals. I knew I didn’t want to try to introduce a lot of unnatural processes. Together the decision to avoid clinics was clear to both of us.
• Patience comes in many forms. There were months I decided I would not think about it; would not calculate. I shed a lot of lonely tears just to maintain the strength and the integrity of the dam that held strong on the outside. I prayed quietly. We prayed quietly. I reminded myself to be patient. Philippians 4:6-7
  

  6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

• It’s ok to be ANGRY. It wasn’t until the end of year 2 that I got angry. Good and angry. Angry at God. Angry at the difference between how I had imagined my family would look: with children close in age. It wasn’t until I got good and angry that I really cried or felt anything. It wasn’t until I got angry that I found hope. Anger sometimes produces a fighting spirit, and I was ready to fight this through.
• Exactly what is the destination? Is it to get pregnant, or be parents? The answer was revealed to both of us that it was never about getting pregnant. We both knew we could love any child delivered into our hearts. It didn’t have to be biological. Our focus shifted from month-to-month and became about the end result; adding a new member to the family. A redefinition of the journey emerged.

By the end of Year 3, we learned:

• Open up the possibilities. By the end of Year 3 we were well on our way to becoming licensed foster parents with the intention to adopt. We had researched adoption, both private and through social services. We researched international and domestic adoptions. All the while, continuing to leave the door open for a biological child, should that be possible. And, by this point I was thinking it was no longer possible. Neither of us was disappointed in this new journey. If anything, it was re-energizing.
• Be willing to risk your heart. Risk it all! At one point during Year 3 we met and became attached to the idea that we could be bringing home a baby boy named Isaiah through the foster system. This angel turned our world upside down for a short time. It made us imagine our life with him, with Toby as his big brother – giving him all of us. When we received the difficult call that we would not be his parents, it was extremely disheartening. Thankfully, there were lots of families fighting to be his new parents and one was chosen. A queue of parents, praying to be chosen; I wouldn’t have it any other way for any child. I still think of his face sometimes, his smile or how Isaiah smelled – sweet. It confirmed what we had believed – we could fully love someone not born of us. I had to answer the question, “What are you so afraid of?” Losing? We had already lost. By the end of Year 3, there was nothing left to be afraid of.
• Don't forget to hope. Long term struggles can produce hopelessness. There were times when I had to remind myself that if we became parents to no other child, Toby was still ours and deserved all of us. It was this reminder that prompted me to finalize something I had wanted for so long. In November of 2009, I had an artist tattoo a cranberry calla lily (our wedding flower), forget-me-nots, and inscribed with Jeremiah 29:11 on my shoulder. I love it. LOVE IT.
  

  11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

• Close doors. We were ready to close the door we had left open for having a biological baby. We decided to take a few recommended final steps: an HSG test (a simple dye test) and the smallest dosage of Clomid (a pill which boosts hormones). This was the farthest we were willing to go with any intervention. After a few months, we would have to stop taking the Clomid and if nothing happened by then we had accepted that we could then close this door without regrets.

It was not without a great deal of surprise that on month-3 of Clomid, our journey transformed. No one could have been more amazed than us. Expecting. A miracle. A tiny miracle. A “Yes”.

It wasn’t until we saw the tiny heart beat that we settled into this new reality. A baby. Due December 9th.

We have thanked God for all that he taught us. In retrospect, I wouldn’t take any of it back. His timing is perfect. Our marriage is better because of what we learned. Our gratitude is stronger. Our perspective is improved and empathetic to these struggles. We acknowledge that all of this was wrapped in a perfect plan for our family that we could not have imagined for ourselves. We are better for it.

Toby is excited to be a big brother. He asks everyday how the baby is feeling. He asks how I am feeling. He shouts it from the roof top that he is going to be a big brother – a wake of newly informed strangers always follows us. He imagines that the baby will sleep in his room; that the baby won’t be lonely with him so close by. I can see he feels very protective of this new little person coming into his life.

We are thankful to those who supported us through the past 3 years. It was their encouragement and listening ears that taught us so much about what God was doing in us and for us. We ask for your prayers for a healthy full term.

Let the new adventure begin.